The warned me 4 years ago about
The questions
The birth dad question
She is 8, that is what they said... around 8 they will put it together.
Tonite she said...."I never saw my birth mother"
I said "well, you don't remember if you did....most people don'tremember that long ago."
I said "well, you don't remember if you did....most people don'tremember that long ago."
Later while reading her Life Book
"Did I have a dad?"
I pointed to her daddy sleeping on the sofa.
"No, a birth dad"
"yes, dear, everyone has a birth dad and a birth mom"
"But Kay doesn't"
"No, but she isn't M____'s birth mom either"
"oh"
"Do they miss me?" (after we looked at the page with the nannies)
"They say the nannies remember the pictures, we need to send an updated picture."
"my mom?"
" My dear, I don't think a mommy would ever forget that she had a baby. "
"I remember her, I saw a picture on the computer"
Oh my...I was afraid she would think those crowd pictures held an important person.
I explained that those pictures were taken 3 years after she was living
with us, by a friend from that city. Then she found the lady she was
remembering...it was the orphanage director.
I can't remember all that we said....she noticed my tears...my sadness
that I couldn't answer her questions very well....
The last page in her Life Book reminds her that she should always ask mommy or daddy if she
has questions, or if someone else asks questions that she can't answer.
has questions, or if someone else asks questions that she can't answer.
Later in bed...she told me about a girl at school that ALWAYS asks "Are
you Asian or Chinese or what?"
you Asian or Chinese or what?"
She complained about this girl before...
thing is...this little girl wears hearing aids and cries if someone asks
about her hearing! or says..."you hurt my feelings."
thing is...this little girl wears hearing aids and cries if someone asks
about her hearing! or says..."you hurt my feelings."
Growing up suddenly seems harder than when I was doing it.
My almost 8 year old has been asking questions since she has been 4. She doesn't ask to much about the birth dad. They say the questions don't get any easier and they don't. But been told to be as honest as possible and let them know they can talked about their birth parents. It helps them.
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOSH. Friend, I'm sorry your sweet girl is struggling a bit, trying to put the pieces of her life together. Heart-wrenching. But, it's SO GOOD that she's talking to you and that you are giving her straight answers, the best that you can.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any Chinese friends that she spends time with? If not, it might be a really good time to seek out some Christian Chinese families that she could connect with (I don't mean attach to, of course). It is extremely helpful for our adopted children to be around people of their own heritage. An older woman who could be somewhat of a mentor would be really good.
I hope that makes sense!
You are such a great mom!!
I am doing some growing up this week and finding out that My Father is the one who has been doing the Fathering all along...I know how to pray for girls who wonder about first dads and stuff.
ReplyDeleteOh, I can so relate as an adoptee myself although I did not have the different race issue that was obvious to others. Life can be so hard and yet all we can do is be there to listen, to love and to pray for and with. This too shall pass!
ReplyDeletesome really hard questions going on around here too. My son is only going on 5 and the questions he askes are so difficult...Terry
ReplyDelete"Growing up suddenly seems harder than when I was doing it." I love that. When BB is having a tantrum I wonder why we adults look back on childhood as being easy. It doesn't look so easy to me. In fact, it looks really confusing.
ReplyDelete